Nobody Knows

'Looking Glass' will be any of a series of posts given to self reflection, soul searching, or otherwise unclassifiable thoughts...

Most people who know me personally will know that I am an eternally busy individual. There are very few periods in my life where I am not involved in some pursuit that is beyond the everyday. I often get asked: why? Yes like most of you out there, I work a day job. Mine is white collar and is relatively enjoyable, but has me chained to desk for 9 hours a day. Why then do I come home only to fill my free time with ambitions that generate more work?

Perhaps I am a sucker for punishment. I could after all, plonk my laurels on the sofa and stare at the magic box (or, panel as it were) watching fat people get skinny, and talent show hopefuls get crushed.

Perhaps I am bored of, and easily distracted from, mediocrity. Thus, having some incredibly difficult to achieve thing planted before me keeps me both focused and entertained. I suppose this makes more sense.

Perhaps I am a dreamer and would like to see those dreams fulfilled. But then again, each of us has dreams we would eventually like to have achieved. So, this makes me no different from the next person.

Closer to home is that deep down inside, perhaps I am insecure; Insecure about my place in the world and how I fit into the grander scheme of things; about my own expectations of self, and those of others. Maybe I am afraid that if I stop, I may only find an empty shell. Afraid that there may not be much else that defines me if I am not embroiled in some grander vision, something extraordinary.

Then, I realised. I have confused the cause, and the effect. I thought the addiction to achieve was caused by some deep personal need related to a long forgotten childhood trauma. In fact, it could be that the want of achievement is the cause of my desire to reach out to do something more with my life, whatever that may be.

In either case, I am starting to feel like life has become a never ending cycle to achieve apparently impossible goals. Good. I like it that way. It kicks ass over tabloid news, crime / medical / legal / paranormal / high-heeled dramas and reality television any day.

- Nigel Nobody